I landed the plane....

They left with their beautiful son. A family of 5 was created in my home. An adoption happened under our roof. What an honor and priveledge!!! My heart now aches with sorrow......and joy. I have no regrets. We held nothing back, but allowed him to climb right into our home, hearts, and lives because that is what he needed to do. He deserved full and honest love. We did this to the best of our ability. Baby M's story has the happiest ending; we are blessed to play a small part in it. I walk away with empty arms, but my heart is full of beautiful memories and we have made new friends in this.

The First Visit

They came today. Baby M somehow seemed to know something was going on. He was a bundle of energy and very affectionate this morning with me. Their red van pulled up and Baby M wanted to look out the window at them. When I went to pick him up to see, he ran away and seemed to feel overwhelmed. They knocked at the door and we opened it. I was holding M and they could see him and he could see them. I think he knew that this was his family. For me, it was very muck like seeing a dear friend after a long absense.

He played with his sisters first, all the children in the living room looking at the bowl of seashells.  We spied on them and all was well. It was beautiful. Then he suddenly wanted to sit with his mother on her lap. She was surprised because at first all her advances with him were not accepted. She did so well in giving him space and he was able to come to her on his terms.  They gave him a toy lion that roars and sings jungle themed songs and a toy telephone. He loved it. Then he went outside to play with the children.

We adults chatted and got to know one another better. We shared stories and of course talked about M. They marvled at his beauty. I wholheartedly agreed.

I made M his lunch of sweet potatoe, eggs, and a banana. His mother happily fed him his lunch and he said "Na-na" for his banana.Everybody cheered. He has been working so hard on his speech and it was good for him to say a word with him today.  Then they left. They will be back tomorrow.

My feelings are all over the place. I have not been able to label them.  I think once I can do that, I will feel better. This morning I was full of excitement and joy and had no room for sadness. But after they left, I felt my loss. I knew this would come, but I'm not quite sure how to deal with these feelings. Right now I feel very tired.

Ok, I admit it! I'm a little obsessed.

Getting ready for our big day on Wednesday when the family will finally visit and start making transition with Baby M. They are leaving tonight and  arrive here tomorrow, but can't visit Baby M until paperwork is signed on Wednesday morning. I am now watching the airline website to make sure that this flight leaves on time and lands safely. OK, I'm a tiny bit obsessed. But I'm having fun with this.

Tonight Esther and I finished up our little gifts for Baby M's new sisters. I will post more about the little gifts on later post. I am happy to say they were a lot of fun to plan and make. They were the perfect project for a budding seamstress because the project calls for machine, hand and embroidery skills. And it helps that can be made very quickly. I am epecially excited about the gift for his forever mom. I will take a picture of it before I wrap it to share with you all. I hope she will like it.

Tomorrow, I will clean like madness. That will keep me busy and make me feel productive. Nothing like company coming to inspire a good and thorough cleaning. Right now I'm more excited for Baby M and his new family than anything else.

Thoughts on Landing an Airplane

Nearly ten years, Dear Husband and I were blessed to adopt Esther from an orphange in Belarus. I fondly remember our "paper pregnancy". Even though it there seemed to be a looming mountian of paperwork and tasks ahead of us, we met each one with joy and anticipation. Just one more step until our beautiful daughter would be with our family. Personally, I loved the adoption process just as much as I loved the actual adoption. To me, it felt like the perfect expecancy only with no morning sickness and moodiness I experienced  in my actual pregancy with Gideon. It was almost magicial. I can still remember our  final leg of our journey, the plane ride from Germany to the USA. We were taking off  on this new adventure with our daughter. I would soon practice all I read about bonding.

But here we are in the process of  letting this little one go. My heart is all over the place with this because we have loved this little boy. We did not put up walls to protect our hearts because I knew that he deserved full and honest love. We let him climb right into our home, lives, and hearts and take over because that is what he needed to do. He is worth it! We bonded with him and he was eager and easy to bond with.

Letting him go.....I imagine it's like landing a plane. Since I have never landed one, I am looking for every bit of information on doing this right. I can't let anything distract me from getting this plane safely on the ground. I can see the runway ahead of me. I can feel the air pockets and pressure pulling me side to side, up and down as I steady the controls.. It is a huge task, landing this plane.I have never done it before and I don't really know what I'm doing. I want everybody to arrive safe and sound and ready to get to their final destination. That is how I feel about Baby M. I want to get him happy and safe to his new family so that he can bond with them and become part of their family. A happy and relaxed child can bond much better than a anxious and frustrated child. I know touchdown is coming very soon. My job will soon be finished and I expect there will be a sense of relief that the job is done, but then will come the overwhelming emptiness of it all. I'm not sure what to do with that yet.

Our Last Full Week

My last full week with little M has finally arrived. I am overwhelmed with excitement for him and his new family. What a joy and honor it is to watch this family grow and know we had a small hand in it. But I also have sadness for me. I know with him going, the many hours I have given to him will now have my days feeling empty. When I think of this, my heart hurts. So, I have decided to make a list of things that I will do and have been putting off since he arrived. This way, I will have somethings to do and look forward to after he leaves.

My list:

-Take the kids on field trips. I want to visit the Getty Villa and and observatory.
-Make lots of  empanadas and put them in the freezer.
-Work on redecorating Esther's room. New paint, shelves and a new quilt are the beginnings of what is needed.
-Work on my sewing projects. I need to finish my 1940's dress. I also want to make our mother and daughter 1950's dresses. We have a church tea in May. Dare I believe I could get it done by then?
-Sign up for Costume College
-Of course, clean, regoranize closets and such, especially the kid's rooms. Isn't that on every mom's list?
-Learn to make homemade soap
-Try some new recipes that I have pinned on Pinterest
-Work in the garden
-Take my life insurance exam. (It's a need, not a want)
-Learn Photoshop
-Read the books that have been waiting.
-Start running again. I don't like it, but I like the way I feel after I'm done.

And last but not least, with Baby M leaving, our nursery will now be empty. The nursery was Gideon's first room until he turned three. When Esther arrived, we remodeled with pale yellow walls painted with blue morning glory flowers.  Up until now, I have been sewing in the office, and I really don't like that room for sewing. I feel cramped and I need a bit more room. So, Dear Husband and I have been talking about the nursery becoming my sewing studio. I am excited about that idea. How nice it will be to put new shelves to organize all my notions, books and fabics. It will be nice to keep the ironing board out as well as a place to draw up my plans. Dear Husband plans to make a L shaped desk for my sewing machine and work area. That room has a nice walk in closet for more storage of supplies as well as a place to put my completed projects. So I am going to dream away.....

If you have or could have an extra room for something for yourself, what would you do with it?

One of Those Days....

It's going to happen. You may not be ready for it, but ready or not, it has arrived. It's the day of the fussy toddler. Sometimes you know before you open the door to their room. Sometimes it at breakfast and it dawns on you that the entire day is going to be like this. Nothing can make them happy. We had such a day two days ago. Baby M was simply not happy. I'm sure it was due to the cold we were all sharing. But the usually happy sweet boy was nothing but a fussy and tearful mess. So what's a (foster) mother to do?

-First things first. If your child needs medical attention, don't delay. Take them to your medical professional.

-Fussyness is a time when extra cuddles are often needed. So give yourself an excuse at nap and bedtime or any other time for extra time for cuddles and rocking.

-Get a change of scenery. Whether it be a drive in the car or a good long walk, a change of scenery will do you both good.

-Involve senory play. Blowing bubbles, is great. They must use hand/eye coordination to pop the bubbles, they are learning about shapes and texture, and learn to control their breath if they want to blow them. It's a good idea to get the no spill containers. They really do work.

-Take a bath in the middle of the day. We as adults know there is something soothing about the warm water. Let them play as long as both of you are happy. In the meantime, you can clean out a bathroom drawer or pluck your eyebrows.  Follow it up with a coconut oil massage.

-Another sensory activity is an edible playdough appropriate for toddlers. Also cornstarch play is wonderful as it involves two different textures when you add water. It's messy, but fun.

-Make sure they are getting enough attention from you. Remember plenty of eye contact and smiles are especially important to children who need bonding.

-Try new games and new activities. Yesterday we made tent with two chairs and a big blanket. It was fun and of course he pulled it down and jumped all over the blankets. But it worked and he was happy and we had fun.

-As my son would say, never underestimate the power of music. Put on something happy or something soothing. This is beneficial for both of you. I also find that if I'm singing it keeps me calm.

-Keep your routine. While toddlers enjoy new activities, they thrive on predictability and routine. It builds security.

-Keep it fun, keep it simple and remember, this too shall pass.

Also, I would love for you to share your tried and true trick for soothing a fussy toddler. Please share!

Transition, Adoption, and Bonding Part 2

Skyping. First of all, this is an amazing tool that makes me feel like I am living in an episode of The Jetsons. I realize this technology has been around for quite a while, but it is new to me. When Baby M was able to look at my phone and see his new family looking at him and hearing them call his name, this became very real for me. This adoption is really going to happen!!  Actually, I think it became real for everybody. Baby M seems to understand that this is not like TV. He is wanting to interact with them, showing them his toys, and basically being just a ham for them. His new family is seeing that their son is happy and thriving as he plays in front of their very eyes. I can see that each time we Skype, they fall more and more in love with their beautiful boy. Their anticipation to bring him home grows.   The good thing for Baby M is that he can see their faces and expressions better than in a picture. He can hear their voices. This hopefully is another tool that will make the transition easier for him. This is another bonding tool that works on both ends. My job is to be available to Skype as well be enthusiastic and postive about towards Baby M towards his new family. And I love this job.

But something else is happening we Skype. I am getting to  know his new family them too. They are amazing!!!! I can see that they love this child. As a foster mom, I can hope for nothing better. Not that I have any influence over the decisions about Baby M's future, but I am now reassured that where he is going is a good place. He will be loved and cherished just as he should. They will teach him about Jesus and give him all that he needs to grow healthy and happy. And that might make it a bit easier for me to let him go when the time comes.

Transition, Adoption, Bonding Part I

I have not met anybody in the situation we are in, readying a little toddler for his new family. But if you have found this blog because you are in a similar situation, I hope this can be a blessing.

It's an interesting place to be, not to mention what my heart is going through. But that is for another day. One of the social workers keeps calling  this "reunification" but I fail to see how this is reunification when he has never lived with them. This is different work. We are sending this child to a family and environment that he knows nothing of. Everything is going to be different to him! The sights, smells, foods, and sounds are quite a change from what he has grown used to. And being that he is so young, nobody can explain any of this. How does one get a toddler ready for a huge transition such as this?

Ten years ago, we did this exact same thing with a  young toddler of the exact same age!  The big difference is that we were on the waiting side. We had no idea if the orphanage was showing our daughter the pictures that we sent and tell her all about us. It was a long challenge for us as we waited for Esther to accept that she was now our daughter and a part of our family. It came very gradually. Some things we learned along w the way with pictures were/are:


-A picture is worth a thousand words. It turns out the orphanage had shown Esther the pictures. The first time she saw her room, the look of recognition was all over her face.

-Photos should include each member of the family, family pets, every room including bathroom and kitchen, car, carseat, backyard, and front yard. It's even nicer when the new family are in the pictures. When we did this with Esther, we also had a small doll in each picture. When we met her, we brought her the small doll. To this day, she calls it Kookla. With Baby M, we are using a Kiwi bird. He already has a stuffed Kiwi bird sent to him by his new family. When he sees the pictures he points to the Kiwi and then wants to hold is Kiwi. (So precious!)

-Positive and enthusiastic words and tones are essential  when showing the photos.  This allows the child to feel good about accepting his new family.

-Photos should be shown to the child at the happiest times of day as often as possible.This way the associations are happy and positive. Meal times and snuggle times are what we use.

-Praying for the new family along with the child is always a good thing!

Motherhood and Guilt

Disclaimer:  The picture above was not a part of my Easter celebration....

If there is one thing about mothering that took me by surprise, it's the guilt. I think we would be hard pressed to find a mother who has not dealt with it one way or another.  My husband has told me that my default is guilt. He is right, and I hate that about myself. Certain things can bring it about. My biggest triggers are holidays and new situations. Of course, piled on is a brand new media  with Facebook and Pinterest that can take it to a whole new level. (Not knocking Facebook or Pinterest. They have their place.)

Yesterday was Easter. All in all we had a great one. But there was this guilt. Trying to give Baby M a happy Easter with cute pictures for his new family didn't help. In my mind, I had pictured his chubby hand holding a dyed Easter Egg. I had imagined making a video of him hunting for brightly colored plastic eggs, gleeful smile and all. It didn't happen. We accidentally overslept. Then when we got downstairs, we saw presents and Peeps and baskets with the paper grass strewn all over the table and floor. We realized that Indigo, our crazy Australian Shepherd dog, had eaten all the jelly beans. Thank God he left the chocolate alone! I quickly salvaged what I could, and none was the wiser. We quickly got ready for church and once we got there, I realized I forgot to restock the diaper bag the night before.Then it rained all afternoon so no egg hunt happened.

Motherhood and guilt. We all want these picture perfect moments but the reality that is not always possible. In fact, those flawless moments are few and far between and most of our time we find ourselves quickly scrambling to keep one step ahead of them. One day, maybe we will look back at these days and realize they were the best days, flaws and all.